Staples2Naples is the see and be seen event of the banger rally world – but then – at its 7th event, being the original European banger rally – it really is the premier event.

The event was the largest of the StreetSafari 2009 events, but it too took a battering in teams dropping out like the other events. The economy really is taking its toll on banger rallies right now as team prioritise mortgage and credit card payments over a jaunt in Europe in a crappy old car. But that is life, and like the old saying “the show must go on!”.

Day 1

The event started on the quayside in Calais.

Up front was a fantastic Bedford CF camper van. Let's make this clear – here at StreetSafari HQ (a small caravan in the country) – we love Bedford CFs on the events. They are generally rotten throughout, grumpy to start in the morning, drink petrol like its going out of fashion, slow, hard work, etc. They have all the boxes ticked right from the start.

1978 Bedford CF. In true banger rally spirit, the painting looked good from a distance!

This Bedford CF did not disappoint. Its crew were 5 good friends who had spent months preparing this vehicle for the event, and for camping in general. In fact, this was the second of two Bedford CFs that they had bought, and used to the other for spares.

Frankly, it couldn't get any better than that. A team who bought 2 Bedford CFs!

Other notable vehicles on the start line was an immaculate looking Mitsu Shogun. We ensured that it was it was being returned to the UK (it was). Occasionally we ask the “is it being scrapped or driven home” not because we're interested – but if its being scrapped – WE'LL DRIVE IT HOME!!

Nice looking vehicle. Mechanically knackered and drank like a fish.

Team Six Pistons, a play on words of Sex Pistols, fielded the Never Mind The Bollards car. A superb paint job if ever there was one. Maybe a little too good for a banger rally with far too much artistic talent for a banger. But it worked.

A sight to warm the heart of a banger rally organiser - a Volvo already in trouble on the start line.

Team Grassy Ass (veteran) fielded another good (read crap) vehicle with the Drastic Fart Pajero. The Pajero was beyond rotten but had an MOT. We double checked. The theme was a Jurasic Park vehicle.

Team Grassy Ass in another vehicle looking good at 100 paces. Make that 200 paces in fact....

A theme we have never seen before was the Mystery Bus from Scooby Doo. Like a bus, you see none for ages and then two turn up at once.

One was the inimitable Goodchilds and the other was a new team consisting of two couples who we think were escaping their kids for a week. The Goodchilds were sporting a tasteful Transit van, and the other team were sporting a far more comfortable (and sensible) Toyota mini van.

The Goodchild Mystery Machine

Mystery Machine 2 - Please put team numbers on the sides of vehicles so we can identify them afterwards!

Team Blackcats were back for round 2 with another team of Blackcats called Blackcats 2, with a couple of very nice Jags. We can only assume that both teams are beyond weathly because sporting such big engines at 1.35E per litre in Europe (and thats the cheap stuff in France) is the definition of heroic.

The day got off to a good start as everyone headed south for Switzerland.

Nicely turned out Mondeo. For a Mondeo.

Pug 405 converted to run on chip fat.

Team Six Pistons. Dig the interior!

Newcastle football fans we're guessing???

We're not sure, but we think this car is on a one trip. Not sure what gives it away...

Great paint job. And they crushed it at the end. Excellent.

Excellent paint job, pity its on a Corsa ;)

When we get going we always bet which team we will see first on the Autoroute. Our money was on the Bedford. We lost. The Bedford was infact making good time at 60mph and was about the 4th or 5th vehicle we stumbled across. The guys were nonchalantly playing cards on the table at the back of the van. That Bedford may not be the first to Switzerland, but it sure looked like a comfortable way of going. Unless you were driving of course.

See, it does run! And even overtakes! Although this was walking pace.

Heading south in style in the Bedford.

Not many breakdowns on the first day. In fact, a worrying number of teams were not breaking down.

This Saab 9000 was on its 2nd or 3rd event after completing Valhalla Run in 2008 and getting on a wood ship (after several months waiting in Helsinki).

Maybe the new £150 rule is making things just a little too easy!

The evening ended in Sarnen in Switzerland. A fantastic location in the heart of the country, and right on the edge of all the good roads. The residents car park was slowly taken over by rally cars, and for possibly the first time ever, no one parked in the infamous market next door to the hotel. Dunno why, but the stall holders always get upset to find cars sitting where their fruit and veg stand needs to be.

The challenge for the day had been to find various things, including cop cars, Confederate flag, and a Prime Ministers name on a sign. Apparently, finding a MacDonalds is too difficult, as is taking a picture of the Swiss 'Confederate' flag. But alas, teams soon understood that our challenges aren't difficult, but you do need to think a bit about them.

Day 2

We always start in the Maxon Motors car park and this year was no different. It has a great view of the Alpine lake just south of Sarnen, with the mountains all around you. If you have never been to Switzerland, then when the sun comes up around Sarnen – you are in for the treat of your life. Absolutely stunning scenery that many miss on the way in Switzerland as the sun has long since set. The house lights high up in the sky during the night, give no clue as to what the day brings.

Day 2 on Staples2Naples is about driving. Serious proper driving, and we take in some of the best roads Europe has to offer today.

A couple of teams were having car problems. Maybe 'problems' is too strong, but they were unsure of the abilities of their car that day, and wondered if there were alternate routes.

At StreetSafari, we have driven these roads many many times on events, and we even drive them for fun ourselves. We can write you a map with alternate routes all day long for some of this stuff. Many people don't value the experience that we offer on these events, but when you are hand drawn a map of Switzerland and northern Italy with instructions of where the steep roads are, and the whole map is customised for you, thats where going with an experienced banger rally company really stands out.

We drew several maps that morning, including one for the Bedford for obvious reasons.

The day went to plan as we expected. Well, kinda.

A worthy mention to the Spongepants Bob team with a modified Volvo and rather interesting front spoiler. The spoiler had been acquired from a 'tasteful' Corsa, and modified to fit a Volvo, which meant an 8inch section added to it, and then the whole car had been painted up as Spongepants Bob.

Team Spongepants Bob. Note the tasteful Corsa spoiler. Now scrapped.

As themes go, it was actually quite whacky, and we can only theorize to exactly what they were ingesting when that particular plan came to them. However, execution of said plan was pretty good overall.

Day 2 usually weakens the cars. Some cars will already be having trouble by Switzerland, but Day 2 usually signals the weakening of the field. You won't get many failures, but cars will be having issues by the end of the day, that will finish them off on Day 3.

Well, that is what is meant to happen.

We lost one car that day, and that was it.

Team Bumble Beemer looking pleased to have made it this far.

If it makes you feel any better, it was raining 20 minutes later....

Excellent turned out Maestro.

Nice Pug 405, denying a London minicab driver a perfectly horrible car to ply his trade.

Tom Pangbourne on his 4th event, looking for a win! Again.

BMW on its 3rd StreetSafari event.

The Peugeot 405 estate kept threatening to break down, but it soldiered on throughout the day without batting an eyelid. But it did have an interesting fuel leak though. It says something when even the guys in the Bedford are looking out for you.

High Alpine lake near Sarnen.

Chip fat Pug making its way up Brunig Pass.

Gotthard Bahn in the high Alps near Andermatt.

Team 845 lost in Andermatt.

Yes, that is a grill on the back of the Golf, and it was a permanent fixture.

The only vehicle having any real issues seemed to be the Bedford, unsurprisingly. Their problem wasn't getting up the mountains, but coming down. As the team enthusiastically told us, going up wasn't a problem as they had loads of torque just no power. They ambled up the passes at 15mph.

No, the problem was coming down the mountains with 4 drum brakes. Oh yes, drum brakes all round. Apparently, with 2-3 tons of weight and the forces of gravity, were a small problem for those brakes. If they went up at 15mph, they went down even slower! But what's a bit of smoke between friends?

Everyone always thinks that when their brakes start to smoke when coming down a mountain, its the brakes themselves that are somehow combusting.

Its not. Its much worse. You are in fact seeing the wheel bearing grease evaporating. Now, for your wheel to go round, you need grease. If there is no grease, the wheel doesn't like going round and eventually falls off. And there you have it – why smoking “brakes” are bad.

Under no circumstance urinate on your white hot brakes either. It may well be funny to affixiate yourself in plumes of ammonia, however, more importantly you are about to shatter your disc brakes with the sudden temperature difference.

We have also spoken to a doctor about this as we were genuinely intrigued about urine being used on hot discs, and apparently subjecting urine to high temperatures can create a geasy residue. So thats another reason not to pee on your brakes. (Trust me, that random fact was a pub quiz trivia question!)

Be warned people.

In fact, one team who were struggling during the day was in fact the organisers. Yup, we were having some self inflicted problems of our own, which started the day before the event.

Whilst nipping to Tesco the day before the event, the brakes went “graunch”. Graunch as in metal on metal sound when braking. To the trained ear this would indicate low brake pads. Just before an event – well – whats the worse that can happen.

Two days later we're in the Alps, and brakes are an essential part of the day.

What pad material was still left on the vehicle had left the previous day. We really were metal on metal for the day. This wasn't going to be good. By the end of the day it was bad. Didn't start well admittedly, but by St Moritz this had become a real problem as the brakes were starting to bind.

We took it very carefully down Bernina pass, and then onto Aprica. Somehow, our hotel managed to find the owner of the local Fiat Service Centre, which happened to be 300 yards from the hotel, and persuaded the guy to open at 830am on a Sunday morning.

Can you imagine a main brand service centre in the UK opening on a Sunday morning at 830am? We can't.

Our stopover town, Aprica, had also been hosting a full on proper rally that week, so it was something of a clash of colours when our group hit town. Which group was more memorable? A bunch of beaten up rally cars, or a bunch of beaten up painted brightly bangers from the UK?

We won.

Random road in Switerland.

Heading towards Julier Pass.

Heading towards Julier Pass.

Heading towards Julier Pass.

Top of Julier Pass, heading for St. Moritz.

Day 3

Today is day of The Stig. Its been the recurring costume on StreetSafari events throughout the year, and it has been a superb costume.

"I am the Stig." "And so am I." "Did someone say Stig?"

Day 3 is also water pistol day. Water pistol day is a growing tradition on StreetSafari events. Its not compulsory, and non water pistol teams are advised to stay in their cars (lock the doors) during the water pistol fights.

Eat Drink my lead water

What quite makes a group of 20-60 year olds behave like children when given a water pistol, we don't know, but it seems to work and who are we to knock a good thing?

Stigs with a water pistol.

So there we are, in an Alpine town, in their town square with 65 crabby old cars in various decorations, all dressed up as The Stig, armed with water pistols.

Stigs with water pistols 2.

A Goodchild (and others) introducing themselves to a lady.

Spraying someone in the back of the head - all good in a water pistol fight.

Now there's a sight you don't often see.

The route today is quite straight. Head south to Viterbo.

Sweet flames. Can never have enough flames. (In paint that is).

British Racing Pink.

Austin Powers People Carrier. Please tell me this was scrapped???

Unique Volvo.

Spongepants Bob again! Still going. Well, it is a Volvo...

Sweet ride. Hope they don't crash it.

Still going! But if they did break down they can at least make a cup of tea.

Many men down, but still going...

I'm assured this photo has nothing to do with conditions in the car at this point.

The challenge was a straight forward picture challenge. Stay in costume and have your picture taken with groups of people. Easy. Maybe.

Followed this ****** for an hour....Complete ******* wouldn't let us past. Nice scenery though.

Lake Iseo.

Today's drive involves possibly the most fun bit of motorway anywhere in the world – A1 Autostrada between Bologna and Florence. It's a bit of a race track that for some reason totally intimidates the local Italians (and French and Germans). However, it is a superb piece of motorway that winds its way across the Apennines.

A jamboree of Jaguars.

They looked pleased to see us!

Racing Pink doing them justice!

Once you've reached Florence, its another 150 miles to Viterbo and job done for the evening. Only on a banger rally can you say “only another 150 miles”. In normal use, 150 miles is a fair distance, but once you start on banger rallies 150 miles is simply popping to the shops. Driving 300 miles in a day becomes something you do one afternoon. And so forth. Your perception of distances alters hugely after being on an event.

Weather closing in a bit just north of Viterbo.

Weather cleared to reveal the start of a beautiful evening in Lazio.

Viterbo is a beautiful and ancient Italian town about 50 miles north of Rome. There is a lot of history in this town, and we ensure that we park our cars right in that history; the 10th century town square.

The team with a Fiat Marea Weekend with the toy army men stuck to the outside of the car were starting to take a battering and they had lost close on to a battalion by this point. Stronger glue next time!

The evening was held in a small restaurant in the old part of town. The waitress was unfriendly, the prices were being made up on the fly, and the service was slow. The restaurant, although we have used them before nicely consigned themselves during the evening to a select group of StreetSafari suppliers known as “Ex Suppliers”. We won't be back.

Unfortunately, despite stopping for a couple of teams during the day on the side of the road, no one was having any serious problems, although quite a few teams were looking forward to scrapping their vehicles the following day.

Day 4

Day 4 is always a slow start to Staples2Naples. It really does mark the end of the fabulous event for most people, and it also coincides with the largest of the hangovers. Teams are looking decidely fragile on Day 4 morning.

Goodchilds again, and some gondola drivers. (Only joking).

Camping in in a 12th century square in Viterbo. That's what happens when there are no campsites near Viterbo.

Random wrecks in the middle of Viterbo.

Nice spoiler...

Well, one of them is pleased at least.

These guys are pleased because the Shogun is still going. For now.

Don't worry folks, it rained later! I think. What better way to see Lazio in a convertible though!

Teams have a choice at this point of heading straight to Rome (we will be in Naples next year as things seemed to have calmed down somewhat), or doing the challenge.

For the teams in point scoring positions, they are duty bound to continue the drive.

We offered Dave Smart, StreetSafari High Mileage Member a beer if he drove across Europe and met us in Viterbo. It cost him 300Euros to get a 5Euro beer....

But what a drive! Lazio is a ferociously pretty place. The towns are ancient and largely untouched, the roads are great driving roads, the scenery is just excellent. The challenge involved visiting 3 towns out 12. Points are awarded for the least number of towns teams visit. Not a difficult challenge, but you can talk yourselves into a circle on this one as you double guess where everyone else is heading.

Ovieto, technically not Lazio, but is representative of the Lazio and Umbria.

A small town in Lazio. The whole place is like this.

Unfortunately, we still didn't have a real terminal failure on the event. Possibly the first time ever on a StreetSafari event in fact. So if you are reading this, thinking your vehicle looks “mint”, then its too good! ;)

A Mini is actually smaller than a Mk1 Smart car!

(NB We did discover one team who had failed on the second day after the event.)

The evening is in the fabulous Piazza Navona in the centre of Rome, possibly one of the best places to end a banger rally. By 730pm all the points were in, ready for the speech at 830pm.

The winners of Staples2Naples 2009 Banger Rally were:

1. Team Sly

2. Blaydon Racers

3. Grassy Ass

Biggest Banger - Ritz on Wheels

This is the last year that Staples2Naples ends in Rome. Next year we are back to Naples which is a bit safer than it has been in previous years.

PS

There is always an unofficial award, called “Driving Beyond Your Talent On The Way Home”. Last year it was awarded to Team Malex for heroically crashing their Mondeo into Stelvio.

This year it went to ...drum roll... Never Mind the Bollards. We're not quite sure what happened but everyone lived, which is always good.